All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
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