Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
