Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
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