this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Send help, water and tortillas.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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