I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Randomize
