I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
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