I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize
