When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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