I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
