i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
