Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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