my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
