You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
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