it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
then he tried to convert me to islam
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
