Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Randomize
