I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
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