handjob tips. give me some.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
