so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Randomize
