Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Sorry about my life...
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Randomize
