Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
