Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
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