Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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