Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
tell me about the eggs
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
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