Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
