the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
For sure. We should see if we can get Mike to pay for one, and have a triple kegger... :o==& (that's future me projectile vomiting. i try to be goal oriented)
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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