Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
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