Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
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