apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Randomize
