So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
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He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
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He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
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