Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
Randomize
