She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Randomize
