Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
