he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
They left me at home... I'm a liability
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
