Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
Randomize
