bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Randomize
