I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
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