So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
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