I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
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