I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
that's an acceptable place to lick
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Randomize
