Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Use "feeling words"
Yay
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
