We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
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