he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Randomize
