maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
