you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
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his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
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Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
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