I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Randomize
