Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
Randomize
