So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
Randomize
