btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
