I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Randomize
