I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Randomize
