I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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