the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
