You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
