apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Randomize
