dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
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