I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
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