Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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