woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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