I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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