I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Randomize