New low: just hacked my moms facebook
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
