The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
You're a waste of cheezeits
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Randomize
