Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
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