i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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