I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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