yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
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